Make Your Life Click by Learning How to Parent Your Inner Child or Inner Rock Star
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I've learned something important by befriending my inner rock star. By communicating with and being attentive to Roxy, the feral part of myself that longs to run wild, I've come to realize that she's not a marginalized piece of me to be humored. She's not there for me to roll my eyes at her. I'm not supposed to make her feel stupid or small or silly, as tempting as it is.
Let's be clear: establishing a relationship with my inner rock star is inherently ridiculous.
However, life is full of contradictions. I've learned that I'm supposed to honor Roxy and take notice of her wants and needs. She is my core, my essence, and where my best shot at happiness lies. She knows what I want and need and isn't afraid to admit it: to be loved and accepted, to be creative, and to feel connected with others.
Roxy loves to eat healthy foods to fuel her endeavors, but also to eat ice cream to comfort her. She knows she's supposed to go to bed early, but she prefers to stay up late. She likes it when her home is neat, but she hates cleaning.
Consequences don't resonate with her in the moment, and she is always in the moment. When I feel an internal conflict about what I should do versus what I want to do, I know that Roxy is flexing her muscles.
Kids Crave Discipline, and So Does Roxy
Roxy needs to be reminded to do her chores, but she's really, really good at talking me out of small, daily responsibilities, like emptying the dishwasher and sticking to my diet. I've figured out that I need to use some creative thinking to get Roxy motivated and on the same page. We can often share a goal, like losing weight, but she might need extra attention and influence once somebody busts out the cupcakes.
Ultimately to make her truly happy, she needs structure and discipline. She needs someone to direct her energies: a manager, a parent, a keeper, a director. It's a delicate balance. My guidance can't be overly strict and discipline can't be too harsh or punitive, or she'll rebel. But if I go too easy on her, then the next thing you know she's shaving her head and beating on cars of the paparazzi with an umbrella.
The Goal Is Mutual: It's Our Reasoning That Differs
Roxy detests tidying up after herself. I have frequently tried to explain to her that she has a husband who comes home after a hard day at the office who probably doesn't enjoy being greeted by Roxy's dirty dishes and a living room floor covered in Technicolor toys (not Roxy's, but my daughter's) and so it would really be nice of us to make a concentrated effort at straightening up each day.
Most days, I must use the wrong words. I've tried pleading, cajoling, yelling. Roxy was not responding to my requests, even though the idea of keeping our husband happy rings a bell. A few days last week, I told Roxy that it was time to make the house presentable before Big Daddy's arrival. She agreed, and we cleaned up.
I learned that, although we both like it when everything is neat and tidy, Roxy needed different motivation. It was a subtle twist of terminology. "Cleaning up for your husband" made Roxy rebel and leave the mess, while "preparing for Big Daddy's arrival" sounded like a fun event to get ready for.
Likewise, "dieting so we can be healthy" sounds lame; "dieting so we can look hot" sounds exciting.
The Art of Bargaining: Build Trust
I've learned that bargaining can also be a useful strategy to reel Roxy in. I can promise her treats to gain compliance. I learned the hard way that empty promises spoil our trust. If I don't come through with the goods once she keeps her end of the bargain, then she behaves outrageously once again.
I've become much better at treating her (us) well. Last week I finally bought the new pair of jeans she'd been requesting for several years. And I mean several. I left New York City in 2006, and I know we haven't had a new pair since then, because we used to buy discounted Levi's in SoHo. We finally went to Old Navy last week. We also had a much-needed pedicure now that we're wearing flip-flops in the warmer weather.
Finding the Middle Way
While beating Roxy into submission leaves us feeling unfulfilled, likewise being all free and loosey-goosey with no structure or direction makes her feel even worse. Roxy wants a full-time job, and she wants to write. This means that if Roxy won the lottery tomorrow and we never had to work again, we'd do it anyway because we need the outlet for expression and a conduit to organize our time. We're working on it.
In the meantime, I'll keep learning more about myself by tuning into Roxy.
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